[	Current Location	|	My Room.	]
[	mood	|	happy	]
[	music	|	None	]

At 9:15 Pm today me and Nicole have officially been together for three months now. =D This is great! I took her to dinner at Kyoto. Which turned out great! It was a great place, and a great experience for both of us (I helped her learn to use chopsticks. She got pretty dang good pretty dang fast XD). Yeah, we had a great time, and great food. After we went to E-park and layed in the grass for awhile. Finally I took her home. She had to be home by ten. It was lame, but I guess it was generous given it was a school night. But still lame.

We hadn't seen much of eachother in the past two weeks. This was a very great night. I love her a lot, and being able to spend time with her for such a period of time before I leave means a lot to me. Ah. It's been a great night. Oh, and I got to give Nicole an Anthology I made for her. I hope she likes it, I feel kind of cheesy. But she says she likes me being cheesy. That makes me happy. =3

[	Current Location	|	My Room.	]
[	mood	|	discontent	]
[	music	|	Bon Jovi- Make A Memory	]

So, me leaving is drawing near. It seems to me that I'm taking on a different ideal towards it. I guess, it's just the fact that I have a bit more of a tie to my family and my girlfriend than I should? My family is everything to me. I've got through great lengths for them. I have lived with my family happily for my entire life. When I go to a family function, I love it. I love being around my family in reunions. When I see my grandpa or my uncle, I don't hate them because they are boring. I love them, because they're my family. My grandmothers and grandfathers aren't crabby assholes, they're amazing people with big hearts. They have made me the person I am. My girlfriend, I want to be with her. We haven't been in a relationship long, but I already know I love her so much. I feel I haven't had enough time to be with her.

It was my plan to go. I realize this. My family was the only thing I had here besides my friends, who were all leaving anyway. I knew they wanted me to go. I figured, hey, I could come back anyway. But Nicole changed my ideal. I want to be here for her. It is in my instinct now... to be here for her. She is not holding me back, I will still go. But, I am having second thoughts. Though, I can't pull out of this now.

I love Nicole,
I love my family.
Even though I have to leave them.
I love them no matter what distance is between.
Air, water, and land are the only things standing between me and them.
I'll breath the fuck out of that air, I'll swim the fuck over that water, and I will run like I've never fuckin' ran before over that land to ensure their safety. There is no selfless act I wouldn't do for them.

=\ Well, that was my little moment there. Anyway.
Time's coming. I'm leaving. Shit...

On the up side. I'm making an anthology of poems for my girlfriend. It's turning out pretty good. =D

[	Current Location	|	My Room.	]
[	mood	|	uncomfortable	]

It has come to me again, stalking me in night forming itself to the loving embrace of sleep. It's driven me to think twice again upon what it is that I hold with Nicole. I know, I love her, and she loves me. Yet... I wonder if I am deserving of this. Yes, it has been brought to me in my dreams, which have brought me to my knees in the silent night. Do I deserve her at all?

She is such a great person, a hard worker, and I do all I can to help her when she is in need. But... I feel as though... perhaps I am not worth that of someone else, I am not... the best or better. I look at her, and... it just all falls together for me. But, when I am away from her... it seems like everything is awaiting to be puzzled together again. That is when my dreams strike, when I'm most vulnerable to attack. And they know this. Why is it that I am brought down like this? I just don't understand what it is. But I can't help but ask... do I deserve her? Am I worthy of such a wonderful person? My answer is... of course, doubtful. Looking upon myself I see nothing but a rather pathetic person. But being back down like so, that is all I can think of, how pathetic I probably am; to her...

I guess things aren't meant to be understood. That this is natural, and these questions come with all things. But... I still am in wonder, and in hurtful despair as the night brings not the love of excellent sleep and the bringing of wonder through dream clouds. But rather... it's more like sleeping upon a bed of nails... watching my love slipping away from me at all moments.

[	Current Location	|	My Room.	]
[	mood	|	gloomy	]
[	music	|	Hellogoodbye	]

Yeah, I had a really bad dream last night. It made me jump up in a cold sweat. It was pretty awkward. I fell asleep, and suddenly I was in a city I'd never been to. It seemed real, like I'd seen it somewhere before, I think it might have been San Fran or Sac. Well, I was with Nicole, and suddenly... she looked at me, let go of my hand. She moved away a little, and a guy came up from behind her. I couldn't see his face, but, he hugged her from behind and she kissed his cheek. She looked to me again, and said to me,"I don't love you anymore."
That is when they left me there. I stood there it seemed, for an eternity. As they left, I was urged to run after, and I did. But just when I thought I'd get to her and ask just why she would do such a thing... I woke up. I don't know, I just couldn't keep asleep for that one, I didn't want the closure, I didn't want the answer to that question. I just knew it was a foolish dream that was manifested by the "other" inside my mind that doesn't seem to like me happy. Oiy, it drove me nuts though... pissed me off too, I also kind of wondered who the guy was. It was weird, like... an anime or something, his face was all shadowy. Well, I hated it and I hope it doesn't happen again. =\

Today, I realized, that... my own new chapter was going to start. For, there was a closure of yet another thing today. Youth Group. Yeah, it ended. So, high school is done... and really hard to let go but it's in the trunk. Youth group, however... is sooo hard to give up on. It's been an important part of my life, I've learned a lot, and it's made up part of who I am now. But, now it's over and I'll not be apart of it, rather... I'll be merely a visitor if I come back to it. So, it's a real lowering of the sun to the night of my teenager/high schooler chapter. I'm going into a new dawn, in extended studies in a tech school that is at least a hundred something miles from love, family, and friends.

It all kind of brought something to my attention. A.) Life is going to hit like a rock. B.) My relationship with Nicole is going to get hard, and I'm going to have to keep inside of her life... and keep mine running so we can spend time together again. C.) The future brings hardship... and this summer, is going to be a real prep time rather than a rest.

Three and a half years is how long I'll be gone in Fremont with Chris. I'm glad he's there with me, because, if he weren't I'd probably be seriously in for a harsh ride. He told me at one time,"Never confide in me... ever." and I took it to heart. But, then he said to me not to long ago,"You know Tom, since we're pretty much family and going to be living together, I think that should be put aside. I mean, come on." I took that to heart too, but... I don't know what I can say to him. I mean, I don't know.

Well... I am going to write a few letters for the end of summer. One will be to Nicole, one to my father, one to my little sister, and... another one will be to myself, and I think I might write one to Big T because there are a few things I have to thank her for. Damn, I need to work on my hand writing. Ha.

The future is going to be hard, but I need to go onward. For her, for me, for them. Battles to be faught and won sometimes lost, bridges to be burned and built (ha and sold), and a life and hopefully a family to craft with hard work, heart, soul, and mind. In my mind, I hear and see John Teague doing the Tidus thing and saying,"What's our goal?" and of course... it's Victory! But, victory is far and is going to take everything and all of my being. I hope that will be enough eh?